I suspect that friends and family believe that I have a tendency to make impetuous decisions - so quickly, they suggest, that I may not have given myself sufficient time to clearly and rationally think through each. Let's review:
#1 In 2002, after Gary died, I assured family and friends that I would be a responsible widow who would not make major decisions for a year. Six weeks later I bought the house Gary and I had wanted to buy in 1987.
#2 In May of 2004 I felt I needed a change. Two weeks later I submitted my retirement notice and left teaching, 10 years early, at age 55. I began my 10-year exploration to use time differently - and what a ride it has been.
#3 In July of 2011 I realized that I was missing out on my only grandchild's early years, something that could never be retrieved. Four weeks later the moving van arrived at my house in Pacific Grove to move my belongings to Portland.
#4 Well, a little background first:
Last month I recognized that, once again, I need to move. The neighbors can be noisy (although little kid noise is far better than loud music or TV) and the heating system stinks. 3 rooms have electric heaters in inconvenient places. You only get warm if you stand directly in front of each. The gas insert in the living room fireplace works beautifully but only heats that one room. I am not willing to live through another winter in this house - I am just too cold in most of the rooms and am paying way too much for what little heat actually reaches me.
Okay, so I must move but what a depressing thought. My last move was just 16 months ago and the related challenges are way too clear in my memory. That got me thinking about all my future moves. It seems like I will have 3: #1 in early 2013 to another place here in Portland, #2 in 2018 or 2019 back to Pacific Grove and #3 in 2024 or so to a long-term retirement community. I have always known I would eventually move to such a place so that my children would not bear any responsibility for me. I watched my grandmother, mother and mother-in-law make similar choices and be quite happy in their chosen environments in Portola Valley, Pacific Grove and Los Gatos. I feel quite content with that ultimate plan.
Here is where the impetuous decision comes in. I recognize that Portland is quickly becoming home. I know, I know, I know - everyone told me this would happen as I kept insisting I would move back to Pacific Grove - but now I know I won't. I can't leave the grandchildren (#2 is due in a few weeks) or my daughter and son-in-law. I am having too much fun interacting with all of them. My two-hour play time with Wesley each school day is heaven, I love that I can babysit whenever needed, I enjoy the serendipity of getting together for unexpected events - I truly love my life here. So there goes move #2, I am staying in Portland.
Now, what about move #3? I researched all 6 long-term retirement communities here in Portland (while also updating myself on 5 in California - giving myself options). I thought I would still follow the same plan and move into one in 10 years. Instead I fell in love with one and am moving in at the end of February. There it is - Impetuous Decision #4 - at the age of 64 I am moving into a long-term retirement community. But that is not enough of an impetuous move - get ready, it gets even better/worse/crazier/insane/are-you-out-of-your-mind. I fell in love with a tiny unit. It's only 421 square feet. And it is mostly furnished with lots of built-in storage. It is, actually, brilliantly furnished. I looked around the unit (easy to do - you just turn in a circle and see the living room/kitchen and into the bedroom area) and realized that this is what I want. Simplicity and ease. I will bring my favorite art, books, decorations, basic kitchen gear, clothing - and nothing else. Well, that's not completely true. My grandmother's antique cobbler's bench will replace the coffee table already in place and there is room for the cabinet I bought in China - oh and the family high chair. But that's it.
Okay, now THAT is impetuous, yes? I think it beats the other 3. I think it beats the other 3 combined. And here is the amazing thing - I can't wait. I simply can't wait. I am already sorting stuff to decide what goes and what stays; talking with family members on how to distribute family heirlooms that they may want, and figuring out what will actually fit in the new unit. I have a lot to do in the next 6 weeks.
You know what I keep thinking about? What is in the small attic in my house in Pacific Grove? It is stuffed full with things that didn't make the cut to come to Portland. I know there are 35 boxes of books but don't know what else is in there beyond a desk, Stephanie's doll house and a broken chair that belongs to a set - I have the other 3 up here. It will be interesting to eventually go through all that stuff.
And speaking of the attic, what about my absolutely darling Pacific Grove house? I don't have to sell it. My unit at the retirement community is so small (and, therefore, inexpensive) that I can easily afford it without selling my house. Their monthly fee is only a few hundred dollars more than what I currently spend on rent, utilities and food. So if I have made a horrible decision my wonderful house on Bentley Street awaits me.
Looking backward and forward - the first 3 impetuous decisions ended up being really good for me and I suspect the 4th will be just as wonderful.
So all of you who have gotten this far in the entry and whose insides tightened when you realized what I have decided to do, go ahead, relax. It's going to be okay. I am not out of my mind but instead following a path I didn't expect to follow quite so soon. I will have lots more to tell when I move in.
Yep, bet you didn't expect this?!?!
A week later . . . Since making the decision I have had to answer a lot of questions from people with whom I shared it. To save time, let me tell you what I told them:
#1 How can you choose to live with people who are almost all older than you, and older by quite a bit?
Doesn't bother me at all. I have always liked old people (notice how I don't see myself at age 64 as old!). I loved spending time with my grandmother at The Sequoias in Portola Valley when I was in high school. I liked her friends. Same with my mother's friends at Canterbury Woods in Pacific Grove. I realize, now that I stop to think about it, that much of the volunteer work I have done over my lifetime has been with older folks. Age is immaterial. Every phase of life has blessings and challenges. No, I do not intend to engage in chit chat about latest surgeries but most older folks I chat with don't talk about that anyway. I have had 3 meals at the community where I plan to live and have enjoyed each of them - my dining partners were delightful. What I realized is that I share more in common with them (education, travel, interesting careers) than I do with the average person in the general population here in Portland (or Pacific Grove or wherever).
#2 Won't you miss the multi-generational neighborhood where you now live?
Not really. I am surrounded by wee ones at Wesley's preschool. They call me Gramma Donna (I am no longer Mustard or Hot Dog or Milk Shake, as mentioned in an earlier entry). I am getting to know Stephanie and Dan's neighbors as well, most of whom are young families. My current volunteer work (and time on the bus) brings me in contact with all generations.
#3 What if Stephanie and Dan decide to move?
This was a major concern. I hope I have been very clear with Stephanie and Dan that my decision affects them not at all. It is my choice to stay in Portland. They are free to move whenever or wherever they want. This is my life; they have theirs. If they move I will do what I did before - fly frequently to visit. I like Portland enough that I am satisfied to stay here. Remember, I also have beloved family - a sister and sister-in-law (and their spouses) nearby as well.
#4 You won't be needed as much in the future as the grandchildren become more involved in their own lives.
I am sure this will be true but I hope I can always be there after school before Stephanie and Dan are home from work. I like spending a few hours with wee ones each afternoon. It's the perfect amount of time - not too short, not too long.
#5 How can you leave Pacific Grove - one of the most beautiful places on earth?
Yes, that makes my heart ache a bit. Thankfully the people I love in PG have been generous with their guest rooms which I intend to keep using. I plan to be in California several times a year and travel will become even easier as the wee ones age. Right now I plan to spend much of the newest grandbaby's first year with him but, after that, I intend to be back on a travel schedule. However, I must admit, I want future travel to be visits with friends. Exotic travel may be over. I have traveled a LOT in the past 8 years - the fact that I had to send my passport back to get more pages added illustrates just how much of the world I have seen. The thought of meeting up with friends, wine in hand, sounds much more attractive. So, East Coast friends, Jerie and John somewhere in Latin America, Sabine in France, Japanese exchange students, Barbara in Kazakhstan, Annette in Slovakia and, always, friends in California - here I come. And now all I will have to do is close my door, tell them to hold my mail, and I am off.
#6 Your life will change in so many ways that you don't foresee - how will you cope?
I find this one of the oddest questions. Okay, I can think of 2 negative changes. My car will now be about 100 feet from my door rather than 5 and I will be about 6 stops further south on my bus line - it will now take 20 minutes to get into downtown Portland rather than the current 12. All the other changes seem positive: I will never again be on my knees cleaning a bathroom or kitchen floor. No more gardening (unless I choose to tackle a veggie or rose garden on site). No more cooking unless I feel like it in my small kitchen. No more going down dark steep steps to do laundry in the basement. No more stopping at the Post Office to get stamps or mail packages - it's all handled at the front desk. No more driving several miles in the early morning to get to a 6 a.m. water aerobics class - I have a great pool and gym on the premises and the class starts at 8. So much better.
I suspect the only significant change is that I will wake up in a different room. I will still volunteer at the emergency services place and at the library, will still pick Wesley up every afternoon from preschool and bring him home to play (or spend the night), will still swim, will still read in front of the fire (but now it will be in their charming library), will still explore Portland, and will still participate in family events. What I will not do is eat my meals alone, sitting at my kitchen table looking out at squirrels cavorting along a fence. As much as I enjoyed that, I look forward to chatting with new friends while I eat at tables that offer a sweeping view of the Willamette River.
#7 What will it feel like to be with people using walkers and wheelchairs?
This one makes me laugh! The development of Gary's MS meant that he used a walker at 38 and was in a wheelchair in his early 40s. No one knows better than I that disabilities do not define people. Bring 'em on; they are wonderful technologies that help folks maintain independence. Kind of the same way I think about elevators - nice to have when I don't feel like walking up 6 flights.
#8 Why not wait 10 years and move to a retirement community then?
Yes, I could do that but that would mean I would have to go find a small house to rent (no more duplexes or apartments with the potential of loud neighbors) and then deal with utilities, garden, garbage, cooking, cleaning, basement laundry appliances, potentially icy walkways in winter, dark early morning drives to the swimming pool, etc. Now that I recognize the freedoms associated with living in this retirement community, the thought of being responsible for it all over again sounds fatiguing. I want liberation.
#9 What if you hate it?
That is the best thing about the cost of this decision. I don't have to sell my house in California to buy into the place so, if I hate it, I can find a place to rent here in Portland or move back to Pacific Grove. If I change my mind within the first 5 years I get a percent back of the entry fee (80% the first year, 60% the second year and so on) and the monthly fee that covers rent, utilities and food is insignificant - just a bit more than what I currently pay. So, economically, it is not a terribly significant decision.
So, again, if your insides tightened when you read this, it IS okay - and I really appreciate that people's questions are based on concern. And given that it takes a village to dress me (I always seem to have something hanging out that should be tucked somewhere else), I also appreciate that the questions have given me the opportunity to stop and reexamine my own beliefs.
Again, much more in future entries as I enter this next phase of my life.
#1 In 2002, after Gary died, I assured family and friends that I would be a responsible widow who would not make major decisions for a year. Six weeks later I bought the house Gary and I had wanted to buy in 1987.
#2 In May of 2004 I felt I needed a change. Two weeks later I submitted my retirement notice and left teaching, 10 years early, at age 55. I began my 10-year exploration to use time differently - and what a ride it has been.
#3 In July of 2011 I realized that I was missing out on my only grandchild's early years, something that could never be retrieved. Four weeks later the moving van arrived at my house in Pacific Grove to move my belongings to Portland.
#4 Well, a little background first:
Last month I recognized that, once again, I need to move. The neighbors can be noisy (although little kid noise is far better than loud music or TV) and the heating system stinks. 3 rooms have electric heaters in inconvenient places. You only get warm if you stand directly in front of each. The gas insert in the living room fireplace works beautifully but only heats that one room. I am not willing to live through another winter in this house - I am just too cold in most of the rooms and am paying way too much for what little heat actually reaches me.
Okay, so I must move but what a depressing thought. My last move was just 16 months ago and the related challenges are way too clear in my memory. That got me thinking about all my future moves. It seems like I will have 3: #1 in early 2013 to another place here in Portland, #2 in 2018 or 2019 back to Pacific Grove and #3 in 2024 or so to a long-term retirement community. I have always known I would eventually move to such a place so that my children would not bear any responsibility for me. I watched my grandmother, mother and mother-in-law make similar choices and be quite happy in their chosen environments in Portola Valley, Pacific Grove and Los Gatos. I feel quite content with that ultimate plan.
Here is where the impetuous decision comes in. I recognize that Portland is quickly becoming home. I know, I know, I know - everyone told me this would happen as I kept insisting I would move back to Pacific Grove - but now I know I won't. I can't leave the grandchildren (#2 is due in a few weeks) or my daughter and son-in-law. I am having too much fun interacting with all of them. My two-hour play time with Wesley each school day is heaven, I love that I can babysit whenever needed, I enjoy the serendipity of getting together for unexpected events - I truly love my life here. So there goes move #2, I am staying in Portland.
Now, what about move #3? I researched all 6 long-term retirement communities here in Portland (while also updating myself on 5 in California - giving myself options). I thought I would still follow the same plan and move into one in 10 years. Instead I fell in love with one and am moving in at the end of February. There it is - Impetuous Decision #4 - at the age of 64 I am moving into a long-term retirement community. But that is not enough of an impetuous move - get ready, it gets even better/worse/crazier/insane/are-you-out-of-your-mind. I fell in love with a tiny unit. It's only 421 square feet. And it is mostly furnished with lots of built-in storage. It is, actually, brilliantly furnished. I looked around the unit (easy to do - you just turn in a circle and see the living room/kitchen and into the bedroom area) and realized that this is what I want. Simplicity and ease. I will bring my favorite art, books, decorations, basic kitchen gear, clothing - and nothing else. Well, that's not completely true. My grandmother's antique cobbler's bench will replace the coffee table already in place and there is room for the cabinet I bought in China - oh and the family high chair. But that's it.
Okay, now THAT is impetuous, yes? I think it beats the other 3. I think it beats the other 3 combined. And here is the amazing thing - I can't wait. I simply can't wait. I am already sorting stuff to decide what goes and what stays; talking with family members on how to distribute family heirlooms that they may want, and figuring out what will actually fit in the new unit. I have a lot to do in the next 6 weeks.
You know what I keep thinking about? What is in the small attic in my house in Pacific Grove? It is stuffed full with things that didn't make the cut to come to Portland. I know there are 35 boxes of books but don't know what else is in there beyond a desk, Stephanie's doll house and a broken chair that belongs to a set - I have the other 3 up here. It will be interesting to eventually go through all that stuff.
And speaking of the attic, what about my absolutely darling Pacific Grove house? I don't have to sell it. My unit at the retirement community is so small (and, therefore, inexpensive) that I can easily afford it without selling my house. Their monthly fee is only a few hundred dollars more than what I currently spend on rent, utilities and food. So if I have made a horrible decision my wonderful house on Bentley Street awaits me.
Looking backward and forward - the first 3 impetuous decisions ended up being really good for me and I suspect the 4th will be just as wonderful.
So all of you who have gotten this far in the entry and whose insides tightened when you realized what I have decided to do, go ahead, relax. It's going to be okay. I am not out of my mind but instead following a path I didn't expect to follow quite so soon. I will have lots more to tell when I move in.
Yep, bet you didn't expect this?!?!
A week later . . . Since making the decision I have had to answer a lot of questions from people with whom I shared it. To save time, let me tell you what I told them:
#1 How can you choose to live with people who are almost all older than you, and older by quite a bit?
Doesn't bother me at all. I have always liked old people (notice how I don't see myself at age 64 as old!). I loved spending time with my grandmother at The Sequoias in Portola Valley when I was in high school. I liked her friends. Same with my mother's friends at Canterbury Woods in Pacific Grove. I realize, now that I stop to think about it, that much of the volunteer work I have done over my lifetime has been with older folks. Age is immaterial. Every phase of life has blessings and challenges. No, I do not intend to engage in chit chat about latest surgeries but most older folks I chat with don't talk about that anyway. I have had 3 meals at the community where I plan to live and have enjoyed each of them - my dining partners were delightful. What I realized is that I share more in common with them (education, travel, interesting careers) than I do with the average person in the general population here in Portland (or Pacific Grove or wherever).
#2 Won't you miss the multi-generational neighborhood where you now live?
Not really. I am surrounded by wee ones at Wesley's preschool. They call me Gramma Donna (I am no longer Mustard or Hot Dog or Milk Shake, as mentioned in an earlier entry). I am getting to know Stephanie and Dan's neighbors as well, most of whom are young families. My current volunteer work (and time on the bus) brings me in contact with all generations.
#3 What if Stephanie and Dan decide to move?
This was a major concern. I hope I have been very clear with Stephanie and Dan that my decision affects them not at all. It is my choice to stay in Portland. They are free to move whenever or wherever they want. This is my life; they have theirs. If they move I will do what I did before - fly frequently to visit. I like Portland enough that I am satisfied to stay here. Remember, I also have beloved family - a sister and sister-in-law (and their spouses) nearby as well.
#4 You won't be needed as much in the future as the grandchildren become more involved in their own lives.
I am sure this will be true but I hope I can always be there after school before Stephanie and Dan are home from work. I like spending a few hours with wee ones each afternoon. It's the perfect amount of time - not too short, not too long.
#5 How can you leave Pacific Grove - one of the most beautiful places on earth?
Yes, that makes my heart ache a bit. Thankfully the people I love in PG have been generous with their guest rooms which I intend to keep using. I plan to be in California several times a year and travel will become even easier as the wee ones age. Right now I plan to spend much of the newest grandbaby's first year with him but, after that, I intend to be back on a travel schedule. However, I must admit, I want future travel to be visits with friends. Exotic travel may be over. I have traveled a LOT in the past 8 years - the fact that I had to send my passport back to get more pages added illustrates just how much of the world I have seen. The thought of meeting up with friends, wine in hand, sounds much more attractive. So, East Coast friends, Jerie and John somewhere in Latin America, Sabine in France, Japanese exchange students, Barbara in Kazakhstan, Annette in Slovakia and, always, friends in California - here I come. And now all I will have to do is close my door, tell them to hold my mail, and I am off.
#6 Your life will change in so many ways that you don't foresee - how will you cope?
I find this one of the oddest questions. Okay, I can think of 2 negative changes. My car will now be about 100 feet from my door rather than 5 and I will be about 6 stops further south on my bus line - it will now take 20 minutes to get into downtown Portland rather than the current 12. All the other changes seem positive: I will never again be on my knees cleaning a bathroom or kitchen floor. No more gardening (unless I choose to tackle a veggie or rose garden on site). No more cooking unless I feel like it in my small kitchen. No more going down dark steep steps to do laundry in the basement. No more stopping at the Post Office to get stamps or mail packages - it's all handled at the front desk. No more driving several miles in the early morning to get to a 6 a.m. water aerobics class - I have a great pool and gym on the premises and the class starts at 8. So much better.
I suspect the only significant change is that I will wake up in a different room. I will still volunteer at the emergency services place and at the library, will still pick Wesley up every afternoon from preschool and bring him home to play (or spend the night), will still swim, will still read in front of the fire (but now it will be in their charming library), will still explore Portland, and will still participate in family events. What I will not do is eat my meals alone, sitting at my kitchen table looking out at squirrels cavorting along a fence. As much as I enjoyed that, I look forward to chatting with new friends while I eat at tables that offer a sweeping view of the Willamette River.
#7 What will it feel like to be with people using walkers and wheelchairs?
This one makes me laugh! The development of Gary's MS meant that he used a walker at 38 and was in a wheelchair in his early 40s. No one knows better than I that disabilities do not define people. Bring 'em on; they are wonderful technologies that help folks maintain independence. Kind of the same way I think about elevators - nice to have when I don't feel like walking up 6 flights.
#8 Why not wait 10 years and move to a retirement community then?
Yes, I could do that but that would mean I would have to go find a small house to rent (no more duplexes or apartments with the potential of loud neighbors) and then deal with utilities, garden, garbage, cooking, cleaning, basement laundry appliances, potentially icy walkways in winter, dark early morning drives to the swimming pool, etc. Now that I recognize the freedoms associated with living in this retirement community, the thought of being responsible for it all over again sounds fatiguing. I want liberation.
#9 What if you hate it?
That is the best thing about the cost of this decision. I don't have to sell my house in California to buy into the place so, if I hate it, I can find a place to rent here in Portland or move back to Pacific Grove. If I change my mind within the first 5 years I get a percent back of the entry fee (80% the first year, 60% the second year and so on) and the monthly fee that covers rent, utilities and food is insignificant - just a bit more than what I currently pay. So, economically, it is not a terribly significant decision.
So, again, if your insides tightened when you read this, it IS okay - and I really appreciate that people's questions are based on concern. And given that it takes a village to dress me (I always seem to have something hanging out that should be tucked somewhere else), I also appreciate that the questions have given me the opportunity to stop and reexamine my own beliefs.
Again, much more in future entries as I enter this next phase of my life.
